It started after weeks of sleep deprivation. I started suffering from night terrors and hallucinations. My thoughts were confused and I had symptoms anxietyObsessive-compulsive disorder and panic syndrome. I couldn’t sleep, and I didn’t care about my health. I didn’t even remember to shower. Even having the strength to take off my pajamas was difficult. I felt strange and like I was in a constant state of panic.
I actually dealt with anxiety as a teenager, but I think pregnancy, motherhood and the postpartum period can be challenging for our mental health. I’ve never experienced anything like this before. I was in completely uncharted territory.
One night, I was trying to sleep and couldn’t tell if I was actually asleep or still awake. I didn’t know if what I was seeing was a dream or real life. I left my room, went into the living room and told my husband to convince me I woke up before I did something crazy. I started to feel hopeless. At that moment my husband told me we needed to get help.
I researched and found a therapist to help me. We were in the middle of the COVID-19 pandemic, so I conducted my sessions over the phone. The psychiatrist referred me to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with OCD, anxiety, and postpartum psychosis.
It wasn’t scary to receive the diagnosis. It was worse when I didn’t know what was happening. When I could name the problem, I felt like I had control over it. But “psychosis” is a scary word, and as a mother of a newborn and a two-year-old, the first thing that comes to my mind are the criminal conspiracies we see in TV shows and movies, of women doing terrible things for the sake of their children.
I was lucky to have a good support system and great therapists and psychiatrists who calmed me down and helped me. Only after I started treatment and tried to get better did I see how people don’t talk about this diagnosis. It’s rare, but there’s a lot of stigma attached to the word too – which I understand. It’s terrifying.
Emily Brontë is a journalist and feature writer specialising in culture, entertainment, literature, and current affairs. She is dedicated to producing clear, accurate reporting that helps readers stay informed about developments in the UK and around the world.
